The wheel of the year continues to turn and we find ourselves at Samhain. Though Samhain is not a Hellenic celebration, I have always found myself drawn to this holiday. Even as a child, before I knew what Samhain was, Halloween was always my favorite day of the year. Today seems like a day that Persephone and her husband would fully appreciate. It is a time where we can celebrate the lives of those who have passed on this year. This year, I experienced a loss that affected me a great deal.
A couple of years ago, my husband's cousin had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Six months ago at Beltane he passed away. I had a lot of trouble with the news at the time of his death. Matt had gone to the memorial in Reno and I was alone to deal with the loss. At first I thought I could handle it, but I couldn’t. My grief woke me up in the middle of the night where I cried alone in the darkness. Aaron was my age and it was hard to accept no matter how sick he had been. He had always been in shape and healthy. There was nothing fair about his death. To make it worse, Aaron and I had a sort of love/hate relationship. I loved him and I'm pretty sure he loved me too, but we often disagreed about things and that would usually end up with a shouting match.
The funny part is I remember those fights, but I don't remember any of the reasons for them. Even though we disagreed on a lot of things, I knew he would do anything for a friend. I remember fun times with him too. I remember going to a Halloween show that Matt's band was playing at and dancing with Aaron all night. It seems fitting that one of my favorite memories of him would have happened on Samhain night. The last time I saw him was after we had moved to Georgia and he had moved to Reno. We were both in Michigan for the holidays. It was so much fun to hang out with him and many of our other friends. We stayed up all night and played games and talked.
So as these six months have passed my grief has turned to quiet gratitude. I am grateful to have had Aaron in my life. The only thing I wish I could do is tell him that. And so this Samhain I will tell that to Persephone, the benevolent queen of the underworld, and hope that she can deliver the message.
A couple of years ago, my husband's cousin had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Six months ago at Beltane he passed away. I had a lot of trouble with the news at the time of his death. Matt had gone to the memorial in Reno and I was alone to deal with the loss. At first I thought I could handle it, but I couldn’t. My grief woke me up in the middle of the night where I cried alone in the darkness. Aaron was my age and it was hard to accept no matter how sick he had been. He had always been in shape and healthy. There was nothing fair about his death. To make it worse, Aaron and I had a sort of love/hate relationship. I loved him and I'm pretty sure he loved me too, but we often disagreed about things and that would usually end up with a shouting match.
The funny part is I remember those fights, but I don't remember any of the reasons for them. Even though we disagreed on a lot of things, I knew he would do anything for a friend. I remember fun times with him too. I remember going to a Halloween show that Matt's band was playing at and dancing with Aaron all night. It seems fitting that one of my favorite memories of him would have happened on Samhain night. The last time I saw him was after we had moved to Georgia and he had moved to Reno. We were both in Michigan for the holidays. It was so much fun to hang out with him and many of our other friends. We stayed up all night and played games and talked.
So as these six months have passed my grief has turned to quiet gratitude. I am grateful to have had Aaron in my life. The only thing I wish I could do is tell him that. And so this Samhain I will tell that to Persephone, the benevolent queen of the underworld, and hope that she can deliver the message.
You said, "I am grateful to have had Aaron in my life".
ReplyDeleteThat's something I said at his memorial. Even though we had to deal with the horrible blow of losing him, we still had all of those years that we knew him. Most people never get to know a guy like Aaron. We all did, and I think we're better for it, infuriating little %#$@! that he could be at times (and I mean that as the highest form of compliment).